Mothers and Daughters: Oh My!
In an earlier blog (https://deborahakahn.com/2025/05/28/navigating–communication–with–ouradult–children/) I wrote about some of the challenges we parents have communicating with our adult children. While communicating with adult children is different for each child no matter the gender, it seems that mothers have a harder time or, let me diplomatically say, more challenging time communicating with daughters. Please visualize your thumb and index finger together in a pinching motion in front of your lips. Translation: Keep your mouth shut. That seems to be a common description of how to maintain a “safe” mother-daughter relationship.
Subsequent to the blog, several of you asked to me to write specifically about the mother-daughter relationship. I have said I would respond to some requests and want to be true to my word. So… I got to work. I did a little (note: emphasis on “little”) search checking what the latest research had to say. This involved reading articles/studies in psychological and family journals plus whatever articles Google’s algorithms chose to select.
What struck me about the readings was that the problem areas identified can exist in any relationship. They were not just in the mother-daughter duo. What a surprise! Turns out the potential conflict areas are all about communication or miscommunication. (Spoiler alert: after I go through these common problem areas, I will share a thought which did not appear in the literature. No skipping ahead.)
I wish to preface all material below with the true, simple and strong statement that mothers deeply love their daughters and feel that their daughters do love them. The problem is the general tension ever present. Mothers claim they would like an easier, more trusting relationship that is open, accepting, respectful and contains warm laughter.
Summary of research identifying mother-daughter conflict areas:
- Misunderstanding can cause friction in the relationship. This can evolve from felt criticism or not really listening to what is being said. Assumptions by either party can play havoc on feelings often causing defensiveness, anger or hurt.
- Poor articulation or not articulating at all about a concern or feeling can have negative results. Honesty when addressing the underlying problem, coupled with really listening to perceptions and concerns of another, enables trust, understanding and eventually easy flow of conversation.
- Unclear boundaries are another potential problem. Mutual respect for privacy, independence, financial and personal decisions are huge areas that potentially cause conflict. Mothers sometimes have trouble seeing/trusting that their daughters are adults— living their own lives who do not want or need their advice or opinion. (As shocking as that may be.) Mothers sometimes have trouble letting go.
- Family dynamics—current or past—also impact a trusting relationship. Perceived hurts/disappointments, or sibling favoritism is a hotbed of possible trust destruction.
- Developmental needs change. It is important to acknowledge changes as they occur with openness and respect. For instance, as the daughter matures, she chooses her lifestyle—to marry or not, to have children or not, to live near parents or not, etc. A mother needs to remember it is her daughter’s life—not hers. The daughter is a grown capable adult.
- These are big changes to the relationship situation everyone is used to. Mothers are no longer in charge or needed for decisions. And the change in tone and dynamics shifts too. Two adults converse differently from how a mother talks with child.
A mother needs to remember that they are no longer (and shouldn’t be) the center of her daughter’s life. At the same time, a daughter needs to acknowledge her mother’s wish for independence, respect and feelings as a whole person.
Later… when mothers begin to need assistance, another shift occurs. It is interesting to note that mothers agree that if physical assistance is needed, daughters are present a hundred and fifty percent. It seems that the friction is stirred by emotional/psychological perceptions/reactions, not objective observations.
Okay, the above are the general issues that keep coming up in research and popular articles about the mother-daughter relationship which I contend are just about poor communication.
What did not appear in the research and articles was the fact that mothers and daughters are the same gender–we are both female. Females tend to be very social human beings. Relationships and feelings are central to our sense of self and communication with others. We talk. We talk to each other about ourselves, thoughts, others, situations, family…you name it. Men—that other gender? Not so much. They talk about things, achievements, ideas, solutions; not themselves/their feelings. So, think about it.
Mothers and sons relate differently. Like all communication areas, once sons are adults, we mothers need to respect their “adulthood” and resist giving advice or telling them what to do. We may have annoying habits—ask too many questions or give lots of background/unnecessary information when telling a story but, in general, our chatter tends to roll over our sons. A big exception is if we say or do something that they think negatively affects their children, then they speak out. They will directly address the problem… situation resolved. I’d venture to say that if feelings are hurt or grudges held, it is not those of the son; it is the female hormones of the mother at work.
But, the daughters like the mothers are sensitive, emotional and tuned to listen for slights. We females have strong emotional memories and tend to hear or perceive words that build on those memories which can be hurtful. While all people create scenarios of their life and who they are, women tend to hold feelings/hurts from the past. Rather than check these past reactions with current day reality, we tend to build on them proving the undeserved injustice. All people have memories, but I believe we emotional females hold on to the negative memories which is not to our best advantage.
So… given that the mother – daughter relationship is characterized by female qualities, both parties are carrying baggage that require direct, honest mature communication to help readjust each other’s perceptions. We women have our well-trained antennas up listening for slights, misunderstandings, etc. In an effort to avoid friction, we feel we constantly need to tiptoe around subjects or ideas—otherwise known as “walking on eggshells.” Because of the many emotions of the duo, I think there are a lot of eggshells to deal with. Mothers and daughters, need to be mindful of the common pitfalls that cause tension in communication between two people—more so because we are both female. If we needed fewer eggshells, we could communicate with more ease and flexibility.
Wouldn’t that be lovely?!
Thoughts?
Deborah, I think this rings so true for me (even tho I don’t have a daughter), and I appreciate your adding the insight that being of the same gender, and the female one at that, clearly has a big impact on shaping the relationship. Your blog is very timely since on Tuesday Rachel Aviv released her new book on Mothers and Daughters which I have just begun. In the first chapter you can witness with Alice Munro and her daughter many of the issues you describe above.
In my experience another helpful way to think about this is to recognize that differences not always fall along gender lines but also the attachment style of the mother and daughter. Those with a preoccupied insecure attachment will hold their mother or daughter closer in the same way those with an avoidant attachment will push for distance. Daughters often have the attachment styles of their mothers but not always (like anything else).
Thanks for addressing this issue which is so central to the lives of older mothers with adult daughters whether we are asking for inclusion, independence, or caretaking.
I love your comments! I have learned over the years that letting go and accepting your daughter as a full and equal adult is a gradual and rewarding process that leads to more than a genuine friendship of mutual and continuing love and caring. Your blog supports this!
I think the hardest part is knowing which eggshell to tip toe around. Also , my intentionally is key to opening up to my daughter. Coffee together? Can we walk together? I know the grandsons will be out of the house soon but I still need her attention sometimes which confuses me. Most of all I hope to see her through a woman’s eyes that sends messages of support and admiration. Id hope this would encourage our adult friendship.
I think we’ll always hold both the mother daughter relationship and adult friendship at the same time. A paradox?!
My communication with my almost 50 year-old daughter has been fraught for years. When she recently came to visit, she noted after a few days here that when she arrives at our apartment, she feels she’s 15 again – and not in a good way. I have tried the “do you just want me to listen or do you need help”. The answer is usually, “you might as well say what you want to because you’re going to say it anyway” This is not necessarily true. She has made many mistakes in her past – haven’t we all – but now they are affecting her son. I have no idea how to navigate this. On the other hand, we have great fun together. We share a political point of view, she is VERY funny, we like the same movies and often quote scenes that have personal meaning to us both. She maintains close friendships over years and miles. However, she is angry a lot, and views the world from a negative perspective. She’s in therapy, but I’m not sure he is helping her make progress. She is aware – and has been for years – that all her emotions – fear, anxiety, uncertainty, sadness – are expressed as rage. We make progress and then something happens and we regress. Recently we have been much better and I have been better about keeping my mouth shut. Not aways easy.
Unlike your thoughts Deborah, and those of the other commenters, my comment is from a daughter’s perspective about the mother-daughter relationship, as I am not a parent. My mother and I had a trusting, accepting, and respectful relationship. But I am not sure that our communications could be described as focused on feelings and relationships.
My mother was the warmest and kindest person I knew who wore her feelings on her sleeves. I was brought up as Daddy’s girl, unlike my older sister who was very close to my mother. I pretty much kept my feelings to myself during my childhood and well into middle age. In fact, I used to quite openly say that I was not “a touchy, feely person” for the specific purpose of veering away from discussions of feelings.
Looking back, I think that the flippant statement was used as a shield to protect me from expressing my feelings or expressing them in any deep or meaningful way. I also would tell people, including my mother, that just by saying “I was sad” or “I am mad” would suffice to alleviate or moderate those very emotions. In other words, I actually would feel less sad and less angry. I was convinced that to some extent this worked, but to a greater extent I was deluding myself.
The eggshells that I walked on were self-directed and self-imposed. I now appreciate that my mother would have loved for me to be less stoic and analytic. She would have loved for me to be more open with her. In return, I am sure that my mother would have divulged a lot more about her life before she was my mother, which would have helped me understand her better. I was the one who built the invisible wall that stopped us from communicating better.
We managed to say to each other what was important, “I love you,” said in English no less, rather than in Polish, which was the language in which we communicated. In our own way, we came to terms with our very different personalities and proclivities and spent over two decades after my father’s death enjoying each other’s company, whether engaged in talking or just being together.
You might be interested to know that I have become much more of a touchy, feely person modelled on my mother.
First, I thought it was Spot On in terms of a daughter’s response when a mother needs assistance. Maybe because it is not a “debatable” issue. Maybe it’s guilt but I don’t really believe that. Maybe it’s basic maternal instinct in our daughters. By the way, my son is also there 150%.
Speaking of sons…You would think our relationships would be more estranged because we communicate less or in a quieter way. For whatever reason, we stand back and are less intrusive with our thoughts as they grow. When we do have discussions, it is done with thought, even when criticizing. My relationship with my son is fabulous. It is a much scarier road to go down with daughters when trying to achieve
the same kind of relationship.
Which brings me to our daughters. Debra, you said that mothers claim they would like an easier, more trusting relationship that is open, accepting, respectful, and contains warm laughter. THIS IS WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR! This is why you are MY friend. I think it is very hard to be a mom and friend to your daughters without special communication skills. I admire any mom who can do this. And maybe that is the crux of the issue . MIScommunication plus Hormones equals LOTS OF EGGSHELLS!
I am taking a walk on the wild side by posting a comment. I speak as the only child of parents, who, while they very much wanted a child after trying for seven years, still, in my view, were the center of each other’s world. I never doubted their love for me and I had a particularly good relationship with my father. That being said, I always saw myself as a bit on the sidelines. I think those feelings informed my relationship with my own daughter. I did a lot of hovering which I like to think was showing interest and support. She may not have been on the same page all of the time which, I suppose, is normal. I hope! I don’t know where I am going with this so I will stop for the moment. I am in complete agreement with you, Deborah, when you say that women communicate face to face with emotion and feelings and men are side by side talking about “things” which is not to say that women do not also talk about ideas and experiences but yes, we often approach things less pragmatically? Gray areas, as you said.