Mothers and Daughters: Oh My!

In an earlier blog (https://deborahakahn.com/2025/05/28/navigating–communication–with–ouradult–children/) I wrote about some of the challenges we parents have communicating with our adult children. While communicating with adult children is different for each child no matter the gender, it seems that mothers have a harder time or, let me diplomatically say, more challenging time communicating with daughters. Please visualize your thumb and index finger together in a pinching motion in front of your lips. Translation: Keep your mouth shut. That seems to be a common description of how to maintain a “safe” mother-daughter relationship.

Subsequent to the blog, several of you asked to me to write specifically about the mother-daughter relationship. I have said I would respond to some requests and want to be true to my word. So… I got to work. I did a little (note: emphasis on “little”) search checking what the latest research had to say. This involved reading articles/studies in psychological and family journals plus whatever articles Google’s algorithms chose to select.

What struck me about the readings was that the problem areas identified can exist in any relationship. They were not just in the mother-daughter duo. What a surprise! Turns out the potential conflict areas are all about communication or miscommunication. (Spoiler alert: after I go through these common problem areas, I will share a thought which did not appear in the literature. No skipping ahead.)

I wish to preface all material below with the true, simple and strong statement that mothers deeply love their daughters and feel that their daughters do love them. The problem is the general tension ever present. Mothers claim they would like an easier, more trusting relationship that is open, accepting, respectful and contains warm laughter.

Summary of research identifying mother-daughter conflict areas:

• Misunderstanding can cause friction in the relationship. This can evolve from felt criticism or not really listening to what is being said. Assumptions by either party can play havoc on feelings often causing defensiveness, anger or hurt.
• Poor articulation or not articulating at all about a concern or feeling can have negative results. Honesty when addressing the underlying problem, coupled with really listening to perceptions and concerns of another, enables trust, understanding and eventually easy flow of conversation.
• Unclear boundaries are another potential problem. Mutual respect for privacy, independence, financial and personal decisions are huge areas that potentially cause conflict. Mothers sometimes have trouble seeing/trusting that their daughters are adults— living their own lives who do not want or need their advice or opinion. (As shocking as that may be.) Mothers sometimes have trouble letting go.
• Family dynamics—current or past—also impact a trusting relationship. Perceived hurts/disappointments, or sibling favoritism is a hotbed of possible trust destruction.
• Developmental needs change. It is important to acknowledge changes as they occur with openness and respect. For instance, as the daughter matures, she chooses her lifestyle—to marry or not, to have children or not, to live near parents or not, etc. A mother needs to remember it is her daughter’s life—not hers. The daughter is a grown capable adult.
• These are big changes to the relationship situation everyone is used to. Mothers are no longer in charge or needed for decisions. And the change in tone and dynamics shifts too. Two adults converse differently from how a mother talks with child.

 

A mother needs to remember that they are no longer (and shouldn’t be) the center of her daughter’s life. At the same time, a daughter needs to acknowledge her mother’s wish for independence, respect and feelings as a whole person.

 

Later… when mothers begin to need assistance, another shift occurs. It is interesting to note that mothers agree that if physical assistance is needed, daughters are present a hundred and fifty percent. It seems that the friction is stirred by emotional/psychological perceptions/reactions, not objective observations.

Okay, the above are the general issues that keep coming up in research and popular articles about the mother-daughter relationship which I contend are just about poor communication.

What did not appear in the research and articles was the fact that mothers and daughters are the same gender–we are both female. Females tend to be very social human beings. Relationships and feelings are central to our sense of self and communication with others. We talk. We talk to each other about ourselves, thoughts, others, situations, family…you name it. Men—that other gender? Not so much. They talk about things, achievements, ideas, solutions; not themselves/their feelings. So, think about it.

Mothers and sons relate differently. Like all communication areas, once sons are adults, we mothers need to respect their “adulthood” and resist giving advice or telling them what to do. We may have annoying habits—ask too many questions or give lots of background/unnecessary information when telling a story but, in general, our chatter tends to roll over our sons. A big exception is if we say or do something that they think negatively affects their children, then they speak out. They will directly address the problem… situation resolved. I’d venture to say that if feelings are hurt or grudges held, it is not those of the son; it is the female hormones of the mother at work.

But, the daughters like the mothers are sensitive, emotional and tuned to listen for slights. We females have strong emotional memories and tend to hear or perceive words that build on those memories which can be hurtful. While all people create scenarios of their life and who they are, women tend to hold feelings/hurts from the past. Rather than check these past reactions with current day reality, we tend to build on them proving the undeserved injustice. All people have memories, but I believe we emotional females hold on to the negative memories which is not to our best advantage.

So… given that the mother – daughter relationship is characterized by female qualities, both parties are carrying baggage that require direct, honest mature communication to help readjust each other’s perceptions. We women have our well-trained antennas up listening for slights, misunderstandings, etc. In an effort to avoid friction, we feel we constantly need to tiptoe around subjects or ideas—otherwise known as “walking on eggshells.” Because of the many emotions of the duo, I think there are a lot of eggshells to deal with. Mothers and daughters, need to be mindful of the common pitfalls that cause tension in communication between two people—more so because we are both female. If we needed fewer eggshells, we could communicate with more ease and flexibility.

Wouldn’t that be lovely?!

Thoughts?