The Role of “No” in Communication

I recently came across a few instances in which “no” was used or strongly implicated in communication. Given that “no” can be a conversation stopper, I started thinking: What is behind that “no?” When is it best used? What is the effect of that response, and are there alternatives?

“No” is used in many situations for a myriad of reasons. Two-year-olds seem to love the word given the number of times they use it. Developmentally this is their first effort at autonomy.  And then we all know the critical role “no” has in a sexual assault dispute. Every day all of us probably say “no” many times. These phrases following “no” probably sound familiar: “I don’t want more, I don’t need this, I would rather, I cannot, I have to…etc.”  You get the idea.

Now I want to share with you what started me thinking about “no” in communication and some very different situations and impacts it has.

The first instance was in the political arena about the controversial issue extending Affordable Care Act (ACA) health care tax credits to end the government shutdown. Democrats wanted the extensions claiming millions of Americans could not afford the loss and would lose health insurance. The Republicans wanted to save money. The deal reached omitted the tax relief. One of the Democrats relinquished her “no” vote—went along with the Republicans to fund the government without extending the tax relief.

Her explanation was that the Republicans always hated the ACA and would never change their minds. She gave up the fight! (Essentially saying that that was good enough for her.) Why, should their “no” take precedent over hers? Further, she noted that the debates over the funding brought attention to the fact that Democrats care about health care and the Republicans do not. Wow! What a big impact that had on helping millions of Americans keep their healthcare coverage! What was her personal motivation? I have no idea, but I’ll guess that she wanted to keep her Senate seat/please her constituents. What about fighting for what she believed was right?

My frustration is if we don’t stand up and hold to a principle, we have nothing. Why yield to the louder or more stubborn voice?

This thought brings me to another situation. When can a spouse say “no” to a request from a partner in need? Many couples find that at one time—and more frequently as we age—one spouse becomes a caretaker for the other. This is hard. Really hard. Former lifestyle is altered dramatically, and personal needs and roles of both spouses change. The sick/disabled spouse becomes dependent, frustrated, anxious, sad, angry, etc. All the losses and changes s/he must suddenly endure can be devastating. True, some are incredible troopers facing and adapting to the sudden shift in their life as they knew it, but I think we all can agree that no one is extremely happy about the dramatic change.

As for the caretaker spouse, s/he needs to take care of everything needed to address the illness/disability: doctor and therapy appointments, adapting equipment for the spouse and/or in the home, medications, diet, insurance (that’s easy and fun), daily life routine and help— immediately or eventually. AND, last but far from least, the emotional health of the loved one. Is the life of the caretaker no longer about self but totally about the dependent spouse?  Does the caretaker ever get to say “no” to a request or demand of time and energy?

Who takes care of the caretaker? You know who? The caretaker.  A little voice might be saying:

“How dare you focus on yourself—your needs or wants when your loved one is struggling?”  Can and when can you say, “I will not or cannot do this for you?”

This inner turmoil of daring to allow yourself to take care of yourself—feeling that you deserve to spend time and energy on you—requires a clear sense of yourself. When you are clear about what is essential to your wellbeing—emotionally and physically—then you can set boundaries in the relationship. This will enable you to care for your loved one, be happy (you do have the right to want and seek that), and take care of your health. If you are not happy responding to the needs of and requested help from your spouse will be difficult and perhaps done with resentment. Then nobody is happy. And, let me add, you could also become ill yourself.

The third instance is a challenge to communication based on personal behavior and the history of its effects. What I am referring to are knee-jerk reactions we have to situations in adulthood which have their origins in our childhood upbringings and experiences. In short, our charming personalities. These requests can be about time, emotions, money, space, assistance, etc.

As a simple explanation, I volunteer that my knee-jerk reaction to a request/demand for my time can be a problem. That response is often a quick “no.” I don’t even query further about the request. Sometimes my response is hurtful and is certainly not a welcoming form of communication. My behavior, unfortunately, is quite familiar to me. Ever since I was six years old, often—not always, but often, when someone suggested I do something, I would immediately say “no.” Once given time to think about it, I would come back to the suggestion and agree.”

Why did I do that? Without going deep into Freudian thought, I think it was my need for autonomy. My parents were very strong and opinionated people whose rules and expectations were not really verbalized.  I wanted to please; I was cautious. So I think little six-year-old me was protecting “me.” Why do I sometimes still do that behavior? Slow learner? Maybe, but I suspect I need time to think about the asker’s expectations, the ramifications of my agreeing and how it might fit into or alter my plans… bottom line: I do believe I need to feel safe…I like control.

Ok, I started this whole diatribe about communication and the role of “no” by giving several diverse examples of its use and reflections for the why behind it. Now, I will give a brief recall with suggestions for ameliorating or compromising the communication.   To summarize:

The “no” in the Senator’s instance was job related. Her explanation was a rationalization for what made her politically comfortable. Her motivation was most likely to keep her job—I do not know for sure, I am not a mind reader (though never at loss for an opinion). I cannot think of a way she could successfully compromise and not give all the power to the other (Republicans). Unfortunately, we all know today, the word compromise does not exist in Congress.

The caretaker’s encounter with “no” in communication could come as early as the planning stages for how they will manage their new life. The caretaker is faced with the challenge of taking care of her loved one AND figuring out how to take care of herself. The spouse, whose life has just been upended, is also challenged with how he is going to emotionally and physically handle the new role thrust on him. Compromise can become a win-win situation IF for starters, both spouses are self-aware and confident enough to articulate why a need or wish is important. Then by really listening to each other they can come to a balanced solution that values each of their needs/wishes.

The “no” in a personal communication is based on a personality trait—not easily changed. The “no” damages communication with others and, in my case, is deeply rooted to preserve and protect autonomy. It would be lovely if I could think before responding and use the time to check with the current reality of the situation: is this really a threat to my autonomy? Would this person ask something of me that would be unreasonable? These thoughts have a good chance of changing my knee-jerk response of “no.”

I welcome suggestions, thoughts and experiences about the role of “no” in your relationships at work, home and with family.