The Role of “No” in Communication
I recently came across a few instances in which “no” was used or strongly implicated in communication. Given that “no” can be a conversation stopper, I started thinking: What is behind that “no?” When is it best used? What is the effect of that response, and are there alternatives?
“No” is used in many situations for a myriad of reasons. Two-year-olds seem to love the word given the number of times they use it. Developmentally this is their first effort at autonomy. And then we all know the critical role “no” has in a sexual assault dispute. Every day all of us probably say “no” many times. These phrases following “no” probably sound familiar: “I don’t want more, I don’t need this, I would rather, I cannot, I have to…etc.” You get the idea.
Now I want to share with you what started me thinking about “no” in communication and some very different situations and impacts it has.
The first instance was in the political arena about the controversial issue extending Affordable Care Act (ACA) health care tax credits to end the government shutdown. Democrats wanted the extensions claiming millions of Americans could not afford the loss and would lose health insurance. The Republicans wanted to save money. The deal reached omitted the tax relief. One of the Democrats relinquished her “no” vote—went along with the Republicans to fund the government without extending the tax relief.
Her explanation was that the Republicans always hated the ACA and would never change their minds. She gave up the fight! (Essentially saying that that was good enough for her.) Why, should their “no” take precedent over hers? Further, she noted that the debates over the funding brought attention to the fact that Democrats care about health care and the Republicans do not. Wow! What a big impact that had on helping millions of Americans keep their healthcare coverage! What was her personal motivation? I have no idea, but I’ll guess that she wanted to keep her Senate seat/please her constituents. What about fighting for what she believed was right?
My frustration is if we don’t stand up and hold to a principle, we have nothing. Why yield to the louder or more stubborn voice?
This thought brings me to another situation. When can a spouse say “no” to a request from a partner in need? Many couples find that at one time—and more frequently as we age—one spouse becomes a caretaker for the other. This is hard. Really hard. Former lifestyle is altered dramatically, and personal needs and roles of both spouses change. The sick/disabled spouse becomes dependent, frustrated, anxious, sad, angry, etc. All the losses and changes s/he must suddenly endure can be devastating. True, some are incredible troopers facing and adapting to the sudden shift in their life as they knew it, but I think we all can agree that no one is extremely happy about the dramatic change.
As for the caretaker spouse, s/he needs to take care of everything needed to address the illness/disability: doctor and therapy appointments, adapting equipment for the spouse and/or in the home, medications, diet, insurance (that’s easy and fun), daily life routine and help— immediately or eventually. AND, last but far from least, the emotional health of the loved one. Is the life of the caretaker no longer about self but totally about the dependent spouse? Does the caretaker ever get to say “no” to a request or demand of time and energy?
Who takes care of the caretaker? You know who? The caretaker. A little voice might be saying:
“How dare you focus on yourself—your needs or wants when your loved one is struggling?” Can and when can you say, “I will not or cannot do this for you?”
This inner turmoil of daring to allow yourself to take care of yourself—feeling that you deserve to spend time and energy on you—requires a clear sense of yourself. When you are clear about what is essential to your wellbeing—emotionally and physically—then you can set boundaries in the relationship. This will enable you to care for your loved one, be happy (you do have the right to want and seek that), and take care of your health. If you are not happy responding to the needs of and requested help from your spouse will be difficult and perhaps done with resentment. Then nobody is happy. And, let me add, you could also become ill yourself.
The third instance is a challenge to communication based on personal behavior and the history of its effects. What I am referring to are knee-jerk reactions we have to situations in adulthood which have their origins in our childhood upbringings and experiences. In short, our charming personalities. These requests can be about time, emotions, money, space, assistance, etc.
As a simple explanation, I volunteer that my knee-jerk reaction to a request/demand for my time can be a problem. That response is often a quick “no.” I don’t even query further about the request. Sometimes my response is hurtful and is certainly not a welcoming form of communication. My behavior, unfortunately, is quite familiar to me. Ever since I was six years old, often—not always, but often, when someone suggested I do something, I would immediately say “no.” Once given time to think about it, I would come back to the suggestion and agree.”
Why did I do that? Without going deep into Freudian thought, I think it was my need for autonomy. My parents were very strong and opinionated people whose rules and expectations were not really verbalized. I wanted to please; I was cautious. So I think little six-year-old me was protecting “me.” Why do I sometimes still do that behavior? Slow learner? Maybe, but I suspect I need time to think about the asker’s expectations, the ramifications of my agreeing and how it might fit into or alter my plans… bottom line: I do believe I need to feel safe…I like control.
Ok, I started this whole diatribe about communication and the role of “no” by giving several diverse examples of its use and reflections for the why behind it. Now, I will give a brief recall with suggestions for ameliorating or compromising the communication. To summarize:
The “no” in the Senator’s instance was job related. Her explanation was a rationalization for what made her politically comfortable. Her motivation was most likely to keep her job—I do not know for sure, I am not a mind reader (though never at loss for an opinion). I cannot think of a way she could successfully compromise and not give all the power to the other (Republicans). Unfortunately, we all know today, the word compromise does not exist in Congress.
The caretaker’s encounter with “no” in communication could come as early as the planning stages for how they will manage their new life. The caretaker is faced with the challenge of taking care of her loved one AND figuring out how to take care of herself. The spouse, whose life has just been upended, is also challenged with how he is going to emotionally and physically handle the new role thrust on him. Compromise can become a win-win situation IF for starters, both spouses are self-aware and confident enough to articulate why a need or wish is important. Then by really listening to each other they can come to a balanced solution that values each of their needs/wishes.
The “no” in a personal communication is based on a personality trait—not easily changed. The “no” damages communication with others and, in my case, is deeply rooted to preserve and protect autonomy. It would be lovely if I could think before responding and use the time to check with the current reality of the situation: is this really a threat to my autonomy? Would this person ask something of me that would be unreasonable? These thoughts have a good chance of changing my knee-jerk response of “no.”
I welcome suggestions, thoughts and experiences about the role of “no” in your relationships at work, home and with family.
I smiled in reading both the title and the 3-example descriptions on ‘no’—because my first thought was, “How can one better and more firmly say ‘no’?” What if you feel obligated or pressed or guilty if you say ‘no,’ so say ‘yes’ instead?? What about saying “yes” too often, too much, too indiscriminately? What if you’d really rather not, thank you, but say ‘yes’ anyway? (I’d really rather not go to lunch, see a movie, go on that trip, be a member of that committee, do that task, help out…”
Sigh…’yes’ and ‘no’ can be so complicated…
Very thoughtful. Thanks for sharing. The last portion describes a phenomenon that psychologists have identtified and named “reactance. “. The idea is that many if not most people have more or less automatic initial responses to restrictions on their freedom. So if questions imply that you should do something, unless my knowledge is out of date saying “no” without much thought is for many people a more or less an automatic reaction. Whether it relates to experiences as a young child, I don’t know, for I don’t know if the research/literature addressed this question.
Deborah, I think you have chosen one of the thorniest issues that with which humans struggle. So many of us organize our lives around protecting ourselves by being afraid to ever say “no” while others protect ourselves by saying “no” to establish a boundary, autonomy, or push other fears away. I really love your idea of paying attention to the “no” signal from your body and then using the left side of your brain to think about why you feel that and whether the danger you might feel (for saying yes or no) is real in the current moment or a piece of past history that you carry with you. Thanks for this thoughtful piece on the role of “no” in our lives.
I had a similar reaction to that of Marilyn’s.
While I may often have an initial (perhaps unconscious) resistance to agreeing to such requests — perhaps due to concerns about the impact my agreement might have on anticipated activities or my affinity for unfettered time — my actual (equally “automatic”) default is to overrule that resistance and agree whenever possible (to what is being asked of me) because of an innate (or learned?) impulse to be accommodating.
I am reminded of a book that was once recommended to me called, “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.”
The challenge, at least for many of us, is to find a healthy balance between our ingrained kneejerk “yes” and “no” reactions, between being overly self-preserving and being overly self-denying. (Of course, context as well as other values come into play here as well).
It is possible that both inclinations exist in embryonic form in most of us as children, and that one tendency or the other becomes more pronounced as we age, whether due to our innate personality or to our upbringing/early life experiences – or an interaction of the two.
This is thought provoking. Thank you. Generally, when I say “Yes,” my math is “what am I going to say “No” to?” Because of your blog and as an expermiment, I am going to try this in the opposite direction. The next time I say, “No,” I am going to challenge myself to think about what I will say “Yes” to.
I hadn’t previously considered the many uses and contexts of the word “no.” It’s remarkable how such a small word can carry such a powerful impact. Thank you for the thoughtful piece.
What a thought-provoking perspective on saying “no.” It’s interesting to think that sometimes saying no is so much harder than saying yes. Yet both have equally profound consequences that can induce all sorts of emotions in both sayer and receiver. I’m glad you mentioned the notion of really “listening.” It’s cornerstone to communication because without it we’re just talking. And, with all the noise and distractions we have to wade through these days, it’s hard just to listen, really listen, to what someone is saying or has said. And what’s even harder to sort out sometimes is if the person with whom I’m talking is even listening to me? Are they present? Did they hear and understand what I said? Do they even care? We’ve all been in situations where we thought someone was listening, but their response made it clear they had no clue what we said. Good communication is hard and without really listening it’s impossible. After reading this, I certainly need to work on my listening skills before saying “yes” or “no.” Thank you, Deborah, for prompting me to think more about this important topic.
Like Marilyn, I was an always “yes” person even when I desperately wanted to say “no.” I said yes every-single-time while I was married. Moved to places I didn’t want to live, did things for relatives that weren’t mine, hosted parties I didn’t want to attend let alone cook for. I was always “on” and hated it. By nature I am an introvert and value my personal time. When my husband left me (after 25 years of marriage) I was angry because I did “all of the right things.” I gave up myself for a future that he kept promising me if I kept doing the things that made his life easier. I can happily say now that I have been set free I say no often! Even at work now I don’t attend any functions that happen after 5pm no matter who asks me to but on the other hand, at my age, I am no longer climbing any ladder.
On another note – the senator, while I don’t agree with her vote, represents her constituents so she must vote what the majority want. I don’t think it was a matter of just keeping her job. But I am probably giving her more credit than she deserves.
My experience with the phenomenon of saying “no” reflexively is complicated by my proclivity to say yes reflexively. What I have learned based on this experience is not to react by reflex, but to have agency. It has taken a while, a long while, but I can say that I am getting closer to being able to respond after some thought, perhaps even calculus rather than as a knee-jerk reaction based on what I thought was expected of me or in defiance.
As one of the commenters, I found that I would say yes to everything more often than saying no. I thought that just being asked means that I was wanted, that someone depended on me to get it done, whatever that it happened to be at the time. It was not that only I could do it or that I could do it better, but I was available and I was true to my word. If I didn’t say yes meant that I let someone or many down. I didn’t want to shoulder that sort of responsibility.
But at times, maybe most of the time, I resented the fact that no one else came forward because it was known that I would do it. As a silly example, I volunteered, quite sincerely, to make a dessert to celebrate the birthday of a colleague at work. That phenomenon metamorphized into an expectation that I would make a dessert. I was even tasked for particular, that is, favorite desserts of celebrants. It got to be so much that I asked that I only make dessert once a month, celebrating everyone’s birthday or work anniversary that month. But once the switch was made from celebrating the day of or close to that day but to a scheduled monthly event, no one asked any more, the date was set on the calendar and it was my “job” to make the dessert. After a few months, I don’t remember how many, but not that many, I balked. I had enough. What started as a “gesture of goodwill on my part” became an expectation where I was no longer consulted, or valued, but it became an obligation. This was decades ago, several jobs ago, but the experience obviously left its mark. I don’t think that this experience changed me from a yes person to a no person, but it certainly started me in that direction.
There were also several episodes when I had the responsibility to make arrangements for going to a movie, or the theatre, or some other event and I was stood up or only a few showed up, or the whole thing fell through. Following a series of such occurrences, my attitude turned 180 degrees. I began to say no to everything and everyone, for the sake of it, to make up for all the times I said yes. I was tired emotionally. I may have actually enjoyed saying yes, but I had enough and so I entered another phase. Interestingly enough, my no saying phase resulted in a similar resentment. I forwent doing things that I might have enjoyed because I always said no.
Deborah, you said that you said no as a child to be in control. But if the response, whether yes or no, is not a matter of a thoughtful process, as in my case, I cannot speak about your situation, I was not in control. I was a prisoner of doing or refusing to do something of resentment more than control.
I think it is human nature; it is certainly my nature, to be appreciated or at least to be acknowledged. My mother, who I miss terribly, use to reply when someone thanked her for something, “it’s not for a thank you.” It may have been awkwardly expressed, but what she meant is she did that something not to receive a thank you but because she wanted to do it, or she felt it needed to be done. But I believe that hearing thank you meant the world to my mother, not for the thank you as she said, but to acknowledge that my mother in fact did it.
What an interesting and thought-provoking topic. It provided a wonderful opportunity to be self-reflective (as opposed to reflexive). Thank you Deborah.
Deborah, you nailed so much complexity around this tiny word. It carries a lot of baggage for two letters. I certainly resonate with what you’re saying. The issue of taking care of the caretaker is particularly thorny for women. I know from leading retreats for women….just the act of giving themselves the gift of retreat felt “selfish,” and women are mythologized to be self-less or feel guilty.
Lots to chew on here. I love when 85 year old Jane Fonda was asked what advice she’d give her younger self, she said that “No is a complete sentence.”
Keep up the good work. I love when those little inklings move from the back of your head to your voice!
Thank you to everyone who chose to share your thoughts and experiences about the role of “no” in communication. It’s wonderful that some of you read and responded to one another’s comments — our community has now grown to 88 members! We are just beginning…
I was struck by how often the conversation turned not to “no,” but to “yes.” Saying “yes” was hardly a cure-all. It carried its own burdens: feelings of obligation, responsibility, and guilt. These reluctant “yeses” were not serving you well — and sometimes left you feeling taken advantage of, or as though you were losing a sense of yourself. The bottom line is that choosing how to respond is frequently far more complicated than it appears.
One person wrote to me privately that in certain situations, either choice could spark an argument. Being someone who dislikes conflict — as so many of us do — he often chose not to respond at all. Avoidance may stop a conversation in its tracks, but does it truly relieve the underlying stress or frustration? I’ll venture a “no.”
Then there is the elderly woman who fiercely values her independence. Purely out of pride, she declines offers of help even when she would welcome them — and perhaps, at times, genuinely needs them. She has come to recognize that she will need to challenge herself and compromise some of her cherished independence for the sake of her own wellbeing. Oh, what we put ourselves through!
One commenter helpfully introduced the concept of psychological reactance — a theory that explains the resistance people feel when their freedom or independence is threatened, restricted, or challenged. In short, reactance is the force behind my six-year-old instinctive “no.” But carrying that learned behavior from childhood into adulthood is not always appropriate — and in my own case, it is not.
So what can we do? How do we best navigate these two small words and their outsized effects on ourselves and others? When we say “no,” are we protecting ourselves — or are we closing the door on joy and needed support? When we say “yes,” are we giving generously — or quietly sacrificing our own worth?
I believe a good place to start is to truly know and value yourself. Which brings me to my closing thought: I am deeply grateful for your reflections. Your honesty and insight have taught me something meaningful about my own complicated relationship with “no.” THANK YOU!