Navigating Communication with Our Adult Children
I think it’s safe to say that when we mothers talk together, at some point our conversations will turn to our adult children. No longer a hectic life—perhaps working in a career or being a stay-at-home mother—our relationships take on a big portion of our focus and energy. The relationship with our children becomes even more important.
Always interested in people, how they feel, what they think, what they do to take care of themselves, I began to wonder about the status of the parent/adult child communication. Subsequently I have started asking friends and acquaintances about their relationship with their children, now adults themselves. Many, particularly those I do not know very well, readily reply: “Oh, wonderful.” “We get along great.” “We talk all the time.” To that I enthusiastically respond: “That’s wonderful; really.” “How lucky.” “I don’t always find communication that easy.”
Then I tell them that to keep communication going, I am mindful of how I approach any thought or feeling I might have (trust me, I have many) that might be perceived as a parent to child comment. To my son I preface any such verbiage with “warning, parental comment coming.” To my mind, this puts us on equal footing; I am naming my comment so we can both look at it for what it is. I am being respectful. It also gives me leeway to state a concern I might have and yes, of course, I have these thoughts because I am his mother.
He always responds: “Yes, we (he and his wife) have discussed this and…” “I have thought about this and…” “We are looking into this…” AND if I do something he doesn’t like, he always starts with “let’s take a walk.” Then I get a full explanation about what I have done or said. I often tear up because I really want to be a good Nana and then I get an arm around me. I find his criticism understandable. We supportively move on. We have heard one another and respected what was said/done or meant.”
My daughter and I have a different system. (FYI, IF you didn’t know, the mother daughter relationship has different dynamics but that’s another blog.) In honesty, we have both worked very hard on our communication particularly since she has become a mother. MY thought is I totally respect and admire her. AND I don’t think—given the feelings she has shared with me—she trusts that in her core. So, if I have a thought, I first say, “I have a thought, can I say it?” She almost always says “yes” unless my timing is poor. Although I can see that just saying I want to say something puts her in a defensive mode. Perhaps her reaction is based on her earlier experiences? Well, communication is always a work in progress…
Also, if she is telling me something she cares about deeply, before I say anything I ask: “Do you want my support or my thoughts?” This is her idea and makes good sense for our communication. Usually she responds “support.”
Once I have shared examples of my mindful communication behavior, the mothers open up: “Well, my son never tells me anything.” “My daughter expects me to be at her beck and call.” “I don’t dare say anything about our grandkids.” And it goes on…
All of which is to say we mothers notice, care deeply and have feelings about the relationship between us and our adult children. Loving our children is a given. How to communicate with them as adults and as parents of our beloved grandchildren is more challenging because it is fraught with history, assumptions and perhaps expectations. We all need to talk more and always with respect and love.