Progress, Yes. But Men Still Do Not Value Women’s Work
Let’s not kid ourselves, the men are still in charge. We women trip over ourselves to have a career, have our voices heard, to be taken seriously. Sometimes we really do “make it” but, and I will contend but, the men are still in charge. They are the ones who decide if we will be heard; they decide if we will get the positions.
We are just different creatures. Typically, men don’t think about nuances, feelings. They focus on getting the job done, watching, winning the game. After an afternoon of golf with the men or going to a football game with the boys, you might inquire about the people who went with your spouse. Did you ever notice that he doesn’t know anything about the person, his family or even his work?
We have all experienced talking to a man about a difficulty/frustration we have. What is his response? He will tell you how to solve the problem. We didn’t ask him to do that, we wanted him to listen and support our frustration. MAYBE after we receive the sought after support, we might ask for his guidance.
My husband was a great employer for women. If they had childcare issues or needed to move because of a spouse’s job, he always figured a way to help them continue working in a more flexible situation. He was a wonderful, supportive boss for women.
HOWEVER, when we were giving a book party for me when my book was published, he wrote in the invite to our regular book party attendees “remember, she feeds you.” I was flabbergasted and angry that he wrote such a thing. How insulting! I think he assumed my book would only be interesting to women because it is about the dilemma mothers have about pursuing a career or staying home caring for the family. After all, when a couple is about to start a family, what man contemplates “should I continue with my career or stay home with the children?” I believe my husband meant well in the invite. He wanted to get the men to show up at the event. His enticing words unfortunately were descriptive of a woman’s task—feeding people; not the substantive (and of course, brilliant) content of my work.
I remember a comment a woman wrote in my study which was meant to exemplify her spouse’s support of her career. “He was delighted with my career as long as it was in addition to my caring for home and hearth!” There it is… “women’s work” is not for men.
Another typical manly behavior denigrating to women is their cynical mention of their wife’s “Honey, to do list.” What, indeed, is the need for such a list? There are two adults living in the same home. Do the men NOT see what needs to be done? Laundry? Fix a broken…? Pick up whatever at the …. store? Men seem to enjoy making fun with one another about their “to do lists.” Are they making themselves feel better while they feel put-upon? I really don’t know.
The existence of the list seems to look as if the women are in charge but they really are not. Men are mocking it and it is their choice to do the “little tasks” as they choose.
Until men experience the challenges involved in growing their children and dealing with those emotional issues, they will not be able to appreciate or understand “woman’s work.” Men need to get out of the comfort zone of practical, rational problem-solving and guide their children as they struggle to figure themselves out, the world and their place in it. Then men will understand, value and respect “women’s work.”
Once that occurs, men will not be in charge as they are now. Women’s voices will be heard. Sharing and respecting us will be the pervasive modus operandi. And to all that, I say, “Good Luck to us!”
This was my precise experience with my first husband when I got an offer to return to my job in advertising. At the time, my youngest was only 3. (Until then, I had been working first 2 then 3 days a week for a few years. Unheard of in the mid-70’s.) The full time offer came with more responsibility and a title. My husband was very supportive. He suggested that if full-time didn’t work out, the agency was likely to offer me part-time again and encouraged me to take the offer. I was relieved and grateful for his support until…. I asked how we’d handle a conflict or problem. For example, I have an important meeting and the caregiver is late or ill. He looked at me and said “Your job, your kids, your problem.” At least I knew what I was getting myself into. 3 years later, we divorced.
Growing up in the 50s-60s nuclear family, my father felt strongly that he should provide for his family and wanted my mother to “manage” kids and home life, and not work outside the home. This was so typical of that time period. It wasn’t until the kids were older that Mom decided to go to work to help out with some of the financial burden and be able to afford some of the extras life had to offer. Dad was conservative and protective. My parents always had the expectation that the kids would marry and raise a family in a similar way. A college education wasn’t necessary for the girls they said (basically, find a man who can support and take care of you), but if we really wanted it, ok it’s on you. I feel men of our generation in particular grew up with that mindset and some of that perception that they are in charge, but I think that’s changing.
There has been a better focus on the younger generations of today, boy or girl, to look to have them focus on their future of furthering their education and professional growth. Women have fought hard to strive for equal rights, equal pay and leveling the playing field for jobs and have made some major progress (we can thank our generation for that!). We have instilled this into our children, especially our daughters but our sons too. Men have had to share the road and in some cases step aside, while women have become their bosses and mentors. We also see men entering professions that were typically women’s jobs such as teaching, nursing and even administrative assistant positions. It’s quite the role reversal and I feel men are adapting and showing more respect for women as they learn to work alongside equally.
You are right about the fact that most men (at least the ones I know), contribute to conversations on a different level. If they listen to what you’re saying at all, their instinct is to give you the answer to solve the problem rather than tune in to your thoughts and emotions and really listening to what you are trying to say. They are taught to “fix things” and to them there’s only one way to fix it-“their way”!
I think my husband had an opportunity to fully appreciate “women’s work” when he became the “stay at home dad” after losing his job. It was a rude awakening for him to manage 3 small children while I worked night shift. He developed a new respect for this stay at home job. There were no bon bons. His relationship with the children was often stressed which impacted us all. Our children can share some great stories.
I do feel we women are making progress. It is common today to consider a daughter’s education as important as a son’s education. Women today are educated in a wider variety of fields including mathematics, science and technology and subsequently having careers in those areas. My daughter’s female contemporaries all have advanced degrees, professional careers and families also. Many are leaders in their field. Although I realize this may not be universal, we are moving in that direction. Although the main responsibility and decision making regarding the children is still weighed toward the female, there seems to be a more cooperative spirit among the men in her generation to participate. My daughter is 48.
I only hope this trend continues.
Eleanor, Thanks for you thoughtful comment. I totally agree with your nice articulation of the current status.