Mothers Are Still the Primary Caretakers
In my book “The Roads Taken: Complex Lives of Employed and At-Home mothers,” mothers who pursued careers often remained the primary parent for the children. The mothers were the ones who stayed home if a child was sick. The mothers left employment early if an unexpected pick up was needed. The mothers made and went to the doctor appointments. The mothers arranged play dates. The mothers handled the meltdowns, frustrations, etc.
Even during COVID when both parents were home, it was frequently the mothers who cut back on their work to manage the at-home zoom schooling and presence of children all day…every day for months.
Parenting/growing children into adults has roughly three aspects. Physical tasks, organizational planning and attending to the emotional/psychological growth of the children.
The first aspect, the physical tasks is getting kids to school and home, shopping for groceries, cooking dinner, cleaning up, laundry, homework, bathtime, are often shared. The task itself may be shared but an underlying question remains. Does Dad think of the task that needs to be done and do it or is it Mom who identifies what needs to be done and either does it herself or designates the task? Or do the parents jointly and purposely divey up the tasks?
Fathers who participate often step in to cover a task or event at the request/suggestion or after a discussion with the mother. I know several families with young children in which the dad does the bathtime routine (established by the mom) and gets the kids ready for school. But it is the mother who suggests the role and outlines what the task involves.
In my family, I took care of all–almost all. The tasks…they were mine. I did all the transportation, home maintenance, bath and bedtime. On occasion my husband went grocery shopping. When he went, he had a list that consisted of items I noted, and he sometimes added to; all good. Yet, when he proudly came home with his purchases, I wondered if, as my astute daughter said, he purposely did a bad job so I wouldn’t ask him to do it again?
Just thinking about it I can remember his coming home with white bread not whole wheat, chicken thighs rather than chicken breasts and Frosted Flakes instead of Special K cereal. The wrong items and/or different brands (Breyers Ice cream not Haagaen-Daz) from the written list. And to satisfy his sweet tooth, of course, lots of sweets. Not serious, but why? What happened? He was a smart man. When asked he didn’t see the difference; not important.
Although I marked the calendar for him, my husband always attended school concerts, plays, soccer or baseball games and stayed after to congratulate or console. Further, if a child had a solo or special part, he was encouraging and proud. He was not just physically present; he was emotionally present too. It seems that once the dad is involved in the task—his idea or not, he often is his wonderful self. (Why he was chosen in the first place.)
The second aspect, organizational planning, is having the foresight of what is needed or who needs to be where and when. Someone needs to make sure that all activities requiring parental presence—teacher conferences, reports due, signature for a fieldtrip, or guidance, homework, choosing outside school activates, are covered.
Typically, Dads do not think ahead or plan. They do not think if their daughter needs her eyes tested. Does she need a uniform for a new class or sport? Does he need a birthday present for the party…?
Dads also don’t think about the “little tasks” involved in a family activity. If the family is going on a vacation, who packs for whom? Who makes sure there is a crib in the room or a babysitter for a parental night out? You guessed it, Mom.
If leaving the kids with Dad for a work trip or weekend away, mothers often leave the freezer with food, explicit instructions of what activities the kids have– when and where, bedtime routines, etc.; a different kind of “to do” list. If no list is left, many a father stops at McDonalds or orders pizza—no problem–the kids are fed and happy.
I recently heard a story about a mother on a work trip in Japan. She received a call from her husband asking what time their son needed to be at soccer practice and where was the field? It still goes on.
And finally, but far from least, the third aspect of parenting is giving the emotional support and guidance children need. Emotional support has two parts: the praise and the support. I have found that praise from Dad holds far more weight than praise from Mom because Dad does not frequently say: “Great job!” “I am so proud of you.” Dads are more sparing. They are generous with admiration if the behavior or achievement is warranted; not like many moms and our current society structure, just for showing up.
For example, in little league every player receives a trophy at the end of the season. Really? For what? Trophies become expected, not valued. Further, after a dance recital of toddlers and elementary school children, all “ballerinas” receive flowers. Why? The prima ballerina used to be the only one receiving flowers. Is the idea of “earning” a reward no longer a good one?
The second aspect of emotional support means noticing that a child seems unhappy at school, frustrated by homework, fighting all the time with a sibling… the many ways a child expresses confusion or difficulty with figuring out his place in life. All parents want their child to be happy, use his potential, feel confident and “play nicely with others.” Mothers are the ones who see a child’s frustrations and then tries to find ways to ameliorate the issue.
Dad’s may well see the inappropriate behavior but ignore it or even sometimes punish the child to “solve” the problem. Once again, the male reaction to a problem. Stop the behavior, change course; they do not listen to understand the cause to communicate with the child and teach him how to cope/handle such issues in the future.
They do not operate from their feelings. Women do. Peter Attia in his book “Outlive”, tells about when he lived in CA but was at a medical conference in NY his wife called him while in an ambulance going to the hospital with their young baby. She said the baby was ok now but had stopped breathing. Attia responded, “have the doctor call me tonight so I can know what’s going on.” He did not return home to support his wife, his other children or see his baby for ten days. He was avoiding all feelings. He oversaw the medical issue; none of the emotions.
I know, there are exceptions to everything, and I will happily acknowledge that there are parents in gen X who share growing their children into happy, confident, thoughtful, aware adults. Together the parents address the physical tasks, organization planning and emotional needs of their children. They truly work together. That’s progress for sure, a goal for all but unfortunately this communication is far from true for most families.